For many years I lacked self worth and so tirelessly worked to add it on from things outside myself: the gym for bigger muscles, a business for more money, and a more beautiful woman to say I’d done it. For many years I experienced madness, chaos, turmoil and suffering. Never was I relaxed, how could I be when there was so much to do! So much to become.. Never satisfied, never enough.
Now I never needed to be enough for anyone else. I was working to be enough for myself. To match the soaring standard I set myself. I never stopped to contemplate if it was ever possible for someone who is not enough to one day look in the mirror and say “I am enough, now.” It took meeting my teacher, and being goaded with the question “Do you love yourself?” I paused. His answer, already.
And so began a journey towards true love. One of cutting away romance, sex, unhealthy food, bitching and moaning, boyish behavior, medications and all else that did not serve.
As I came to honour myself with my diet, foundation was built underneath me. I became more solid, stable, calm and consistent. I saw that wanting for things was a sure-fire way to prevent myself from getting them. All there is to do is what there is to be done at this moment, and with attention firmly focused doing what needs to be done, all will come. Next thing I know here comes the perfect job, here comes money, here comes understanding, here comes opportunity. The need to chase subsided.
Coming from inside of that there is nothing external that can give me my self worth I no longer need to become unbalanced to go and search for what I can add to be enough. I don’t need even what I currently have. The job, money, clothes, opportunities are just circumstances and byproducts of my self-worth. Let them go, how exciting. I wonder what will come to take their place. I am my own temple, and there is nowhere to pray but here.
When you know that all if moving to perfection, when you love, patience is virtue of the moment. A virtue I am grateful for. Relaxing into knowing that this moment doesn’t need to look like anything other than it does is what there is to do. And I do what must be done.