Goddess.

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La Naissance de Venus (detail), 1862, Palais des Beaux-Arts de Lille. Amaury Duval.

Impetus for love, she will be, as if love needs an impetus. Of its own volition it should burst forth, like water from the mains, frothing at the mouth onto the street and caressing the tarmac like it’s missed it. But it doesn’t always, does it?

There are times when I look at the women around me, and through the eyes of a boy I am able to perceive of only girls. I live in this world of girlishness, and I know in truth that they only reflect my own inner boyishness back at me. Were I a MAN, I could look at a girl and see the WOMAN she is becoming, just as a Master may look at a seed and see the tree it is becoming or a log, and the fire already within. The potential coming to fruition.

Boy I may be, yet nonetheless I prepare. Each day sharpening the blunted sword of my perception. Cutting away anything unnecessary as I go. For I will need to be ready.

When my perception shifts, and I am able to view the world through the eyes of a man, it will not be long before a WOMAN will appear. A loving, cruel-bitch, goddess of a woman.

And when she comes for me I know she will come ready to unfold, murder and enlighten me and I will be ready for her. I will meet my death gracefully and be reborn from the ashes of us both as we burst a-cinder unto each other again and again in each moment together.

She will come with lust and serenity and chaos all at once in the pools of her eyes and show me why storms are named after people, and I will meet her there – at peace, unperturbed, ready to fill the vessel she has brought to me with love that she might be ready to accept that love and let it destroy her as beautifully as she destroys me.

Even in my destruction, at the very moment of my death – genuflecting lovingly before her – my inner lake will remain without a ripple. Stillness shall prevail in spite of the beautiful storm she brings to me to quell. Balance.

Until I am able to keep that lake as still as the Buddha scared-to-death, however, I will continue to look at women and girls are all I will see.

And so I shall remain chaste, and so I shall remain still – In solitude and in silence, meditating on my power. Realizing myself. In preparation. Not for her, but to honour the me in her and the her in me.

Perfect.

I die to her already.

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Avatar.

You have a voice. Not like a literal speech-box voice (you’ve most likely got that too, though) but a metaphysical conduit for the embargo of your wisdom – a la ‘gift’ – for the world. You might call this an avatar. A unique figurine, beyond the physical manifestations of the masks we wear, or the minds that rest behind them. Something else, entirely, the space, shall we say, in which the mind and body arise.

We don’t however, always find our voice and speak from it. In fact, we rarely do.

I’m coming to think the sole shared proponent of those that we hoist into the altar of celebrity and world-wide esteem, is that each of these figurines found their voice and speak to the world in it in an ever-refreshing stream of originality. They are an outer emblem for what we all internally lack – our true voice, and the confidence to speak to the world with it – and this is why we, as a society, are so obsessed by them.

What is it about Kendrick Lamar that distinguishes him from other rappers? What about Martin Luther? He wasn’t the first black man who dreamed of emancipation.

I believe that we are given a set of gifts innately from birth. That this seed was given to us by our ancestors and from that inheritance we are here to become the most artistic versions of ourselves.

In truth I don’t know a lot about how to find or express this voice – and the purpose of this post isn’t as a tell-all-pirate-map to success, fortune and enlightenment. I’m 24. I can only just get my own stuff in order. More pertinent is to acknowledge its very existence and to shine a spotlight of attention on the inauthenticity with which we operate in our day-to-day lives.

We’re either faking being rich, or imitating someone who does poor better than us. Envying thy neighbor’s oxen, or working to emulate their performance.

Where do we find room for ourselves? Lost atwixt our fixation on the glow of originality in others, we leave our own power by the wayside.

Could it be that we are never ever going to be the best copy-cat in the world? That doing it like they did it won’t work for us? That our only chance of not having wasted the seed passed down to us by our fathers gone is to find what it is about us that is beautiful, original, and radiant and work to calcify this on the walls of our interior like we plaster others onto the walls of our living spaces? That to reduce ourselves to our most potent form and precipitate this quality is our very best chance of the success we dream of? Perhaps this is the only precondition to success in this world and that, once complete, we need not search any further as we would have already attained everything we lusted for in the very act.

If so, wouldn’t all the chatter about finding yourself within be ironically correct? And everything we’ve done up till now be equally fruitless?

We really are completely mad. But it’s so damn perfect. Only through our death may we be reborn. So let us die gracefully unto each moment. Unto the ongoing search deeper inside ourselves, and the ongoing cutting away of all that is not necessary until all that remains is you. Nourish that seed, plant it in the fertile soil of discipline, self-esteem and love. From it will grow a mighty tree, and still you might remain for the rest of your days while all that you need comes to you.

Perfection.

 

Calmly Rise, Powerfully Strike.

It is quite possible to be not inconvenienced, but empowered by cultivating sexual energy (read: not masturbating). This is a concept likely to engender resistance in even the most rigorous among the spiritually inclined. Resistance is not your friend. Let it go. Return to flow. Onward.

Every pore of your body can hum with contained energy.

A revolutionary concept was introduced to me recently – not to resist sexual energy. Be with it. Sit in it. Ask yourself “what is it about my energy that makes me want to rid myself of it?”. Indeed. What? When you let go of resistance you open yourself to flow. In this instance, the flow of not needing to disperse my precious sexual energy but to revel. To delight. To implode.

What we sacrifice in sexual indulgence is principally vitality, vigor, creativity, and exponential spiritual and personal growth.

I’m not saying don’t have sex. You do you. I’m only speaking to the benefits of reserve, discipline and self-esteem.

When you cultivate your sexual energy you raise the power that you bring to your life, and reduce the need to expend yourself in other areas. Like a snake, you calmly rest, and when the opportunity presents itself you are both aware and energized enough to strike powerfully, poignantly and purposefully. No wasted time. No wasted energy. All business when the moment calls for business. All relaxation when the moment calls for relaxation. Not a schizophrenic darting around at the slightest of stimuli.


 

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The snake knows an ancient wisdom: stillness. A snake never makes an unnecessary movement. It conserves its energy and when the time comes it strikes like lightening.

 

This is about cultivation of your purest and strongest energy. Not robbing yourself of the part of you that can be used to either perpetuate your madness (should you choose to abuse it) or magnify your potential (should you choose to honour it).

This shall be my daily practice. I invite you to join me.

Where else are you expending your energy? Where are you spilling yourself, and on what?

I am better than my desire for orgasm.

That is all there is.

M

 

Patience, then.

For many years I lacked self worth and so tirelessly worked to add it on from things outside myself: the gym for bigger muscles, a business for more money, and a more beautiful woman to say I’d done it. For many years I experienced madness, chaos, turmoil and suffering. Never was I relaxed, how could I be when there was so much to do! So much to become.. Never satisfied, never enough.

Now I never needed to be enough for anyone else. I was working to be enough for myself. To match the soaring standard I set myself. I never stopped to contemplate if it was ever possible for someone who is not enough to one day look in the mirror and say “I am enough, now.” It took meeting my teacher, and being goaded with the question “Do you love yourself?” I paused. His answer, already.

And so began a journey towards true love. One of cutting away romance, sex, unhealthy food, bitching and moaning, boyish behavior, medications and all else that did not serve.

As I came to honour myself with my diet, foundation was built underneath me. I became more solid, stable, calm and consistent. I saw that wanting for things was a sure-fire way to prevent myself from getting them. All there is to do is what there is to be done at this moment, and with attention firmly focused doing what needs to be done, all will come. Next thing I know here comes the perfect job, here comes money, here comes understanding, here comes opportunity. The need to chase subsided.

Coming from inside of that there is nothing external that can give me my self worthΒ  I no longer need to become unbalanced to go and search for what I can add to be enough. I don’t need even what I currently have. The job, money, clothes, opportunities are just circumstances and byproducts of my self-worth. Let them go, how exciting. I wonder what will come to take their place. I am my own temple, and there is nowhere to pray but here.

When you know that all if moving to perfection, when you love, patience is virtue of the moment. A virtue I am grateful for. Relaxing into knowing that this moment doesn’t need to look like anything other than it does is what there is to do. And I do what must be done.

M

patience

Destruction. Rebirth.

There have been a litany of destructive periods in my life that have given birth, in progression, to the person I have become.

This will not be an autobiographical diatribe on my life. This will detail the principles behind fear of death, rebirth and courage and provide a unique context from which you will be able to re-examine your life and future decisions, should you wish to.

To begin with, death is a momentary phenomenon. By that I mean, it can happen in each moment. And indeed, in many ways, it does happen each moment, and born into the next, we hope, is a person that has grown from the lessons of the moment before. Ultimate death is furthermore a human made concept and does not exist in tangible reality. Death of the body occurs and with it, the ego, and the vehicle for the physical expression of What We Are (Spirit) through Who We Are, certainly. What We Are (Spirit), however, is deathless and exists outside of the sphere of our bodies.

I would like to expand the scope of what we commonly refer to as death, which in the western psyche is largely fear and attachment manifest. Death is not something to run away from, but to run toward. If in each moment we accept death graciously and integrate the knowledge and understanding being given to us by life through death then in each moment we are able to experience rebirth. We can then do away with fear of death and come to knowing that there is only rebirth, that What We Are is immortal, and that our growth is nestled inside of each little death that we walk towards, through, and then out the other side of.

Death is any moment that at the other side of we have integrated deeper understanding and have subsequently raised our vibrational frequency, bringing us a little closer to Home.

My limited understanding of what Home is, at this point, centers around reaching Home being equivalent to the point at which we need not incarnate physically anymore. In other words, the frequency at which we are vibrating, at the moment of reaching Home, is sufficient for eternal existence in the non-physical planes after which our responsibility becomes not to tend to our own consciousness, but rest in knowledge that we are part and parcel of a greater pure consciousness, which we discovered after stripping back ego. Our only remaining responsibility, then, is to elevate others.

Having now redefined death, Home, Who We Are and What We Are, let us now turn to an examination of the fruits of walking intentionally towards death i.e. what will destroy you. Whether it is a woman, a decision, a business opportunity, or a spiritual calling, the only relevant activities to concern yourself with are those which will destroy you and bring you closer to ultimate truth and internal growth and integration of deeper wisdom. How do you know where destruction lies? You will feel scared, alive, nervous or uncomfortable. THAT is where life begins. On the other side of the line marked fear.

This is where the war is waged. Between you and you. That is your battle ground.


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Yes it’s an ad. And it’s on point!

To become a warrior and champion of the fight that occurs on that battlefield is your only concern. My only concern.

If a woman is my destruction, if I am to meet a woman in that place, and see her as a woman and be seen as a man (and tested, and tested, and tested as one) so be it.

If chastity and solitude are my destruction, and if I am to meet chastity and solitude on that holy and beautiful war ground then so be it.

I am concerned only with holding attention on that which will elevate me. The warrior is unafraid. That I am at times afraid tells me I am yet to integrate fully that which I am coming to understand. No problem. This is my destruction. Next will be integration.

So it goes.

M

To Be IN The Step That You’re In.

How often have you lounged back thinking about what it would be like to have “made it”? Finally, to have arrived.

Sometimes, for examples after a Bungee Jump, or a good day surfing, or after a brilliant orgasm with your new perfect lover, we feel complete, as if we have finally made it and all is as it is supposed to be.

The fundamental dysfunction of human society is the belief that “it” is somewhere else. The mad search, and tearful and violent outburst at its loss (e.g. at the end of a relationship, or when the orgasms stop coming as regularly with that perfect partner), is the child of this dysfunction, and the cause of all human unhappiness.

For you, it occurs like there is someplace you are meant to be. You have often dreamed, of a far off land, where a great warm welcome, will be waiting for you. True? (That was a line from Hercules. 10 points if you picked it up.)


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“I Can Go The Distance” from Disney’s Hercules

This place seems always to evade you. Or if you do reach it, never for long, and then you must continue the search. The job or the girlfriend was good for a while and then the gnawing came back. The grass seemed greener.

I’ve got some news for you. It doesn’t get any better. You’ll never make it. This is it. Want to know what life looks like in 40 years? This. You’ll have nicer stuff, different friends, but the same old underlying feeling of something missing.

Have you been trying to fill a God-shaped-hole with cars, sex, money, clothes, drinks, drugs, love? It wont fit. It just doesn’t. Trust.

While our consciousness is not in the current moment, we are self-sabotaging ourselves in this moment, which is the only moment that will ever exist – the future is just a projection of how this moment might be, but later on. We, therefore, fail to make any substantial progress towards the moment we envision in our heads. And then lament.

So what to do?

Well luckily above is the bad news. We take care of the bad news first because the good news takes care of itself. There is good news, too.

The good news is that you can have everything you want. Right now.

The answer is to love what you’ve got.

To bring your attention to what’s happening now. Not later.

A Warrior’s task is to concern them self with the task at hand. To move quietly and softly when necessary, and quickly and forcefully when the timing is created to do so, with attention held unceasingly on what there is to do in this moment.

In this, The Warrior is elevated. In this, The Warrior is able, then, to elevate others.

Finally, the moment once envisioned becomes reality.

But upon arriving, where you are wont matter to you. You’ve learned to be happy without it, anyway.


https://i2.wp.com/static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Observer/Columnist/Columnists/2013/3/27/1364386159959/Mike-Brodie-001.jpg
Photography by Mike Brodie

– M

Passion.

Passion to me is the listless pursuit of personal expansion. There are many ways we can look to expand ourselves, either consciously or unconsciously.

For the most part, human society looks to expand itself unconsciously.

I am referring to literal expansion on a geopolitical scale, and also metaphorical expansion on an individual basis, be it of our homes, our wardrobes, our data cap, our income, our ability to get high or the number of people we have slept with, laughed with, made love to, or had follow you on Instagram.


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Artwork by Gunsmithcat

The need to expand, and vehicle through which it manifests, passion, stems from the fundamental belief that we are not enough, and that what we need to feel complete is elsewhere. In the next house, car, lover, paycheck, drug, chocolate bar, glass of wine or party.

Therefore, these things which we love so are held only as long as they are useful to us in making us feel complete. This is then conditional love, or lust. There is no beauty to be seen here. There is no love. And more often than not, we cyclically return to these things when we realize feeling complete isn’t elsewhere, either – an expression of utter human madness.


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Artwork by Banksy

I’ve long suspected that happiness was never to be found in some distant land, job or opportunity. My actions, however, reflected no such suspicion.

Passion without balance results, always, in unconsciousness, and the prevailing of the unconscious belief in happiness anywhere else other than here and now.

But what if we could bring balance to passion? What if what we could direct our passion away from what’s not so (a desire for material gain), and inwards towards what already is so?

Therein lays the completion to which we earlier referred. Therein lays the end of the search. Nestled inside this contentment, like a kinder surprise, is peace.

When we are passionate about what is already so, and are not wanting for that which is not so, we are consciously passionate.

This is the kind of passion I am interested in. These days I mostly endeavor for right now.

And I can not WAIT for right now.

Where do your passions lay? Here and now? Or elsewhere?

M.

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